i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
