can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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