i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
