it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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