Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
