oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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