I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
