My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
