i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
