I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
