I didn't shave. On purpose
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
