Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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