1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
