I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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