I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
