Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
