You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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