Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
