a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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