Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
