At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
