shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
