hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
