i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
