I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
