If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
