you guys were way drunker than both of me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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