make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
