thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
