We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
