First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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