Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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