i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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