i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
All the doctor said was why
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize