Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
