peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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