I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize