i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
