My friends, they love my intelligence
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
