to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He has the fingertips of a God
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