I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
