feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
