I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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