I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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