My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
