i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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