my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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