Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
