i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
