Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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