I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
