He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize