I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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