we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I did not marry a roomba.
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