last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
