Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
