i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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