My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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