Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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